ł₥₱Ø₴₮ɆⱤ, ₩ⱧØ ₥Ɇ?

am i real, are you real?

The more that this blog progresses, the more that I have the urge to quit it. ‘What is the use of weekly updates’, I think, when nothing in my life really changes. Is what I write even interesting, entertaining? Feel like I’m writing into the void.

Nothing feels certain. I try to stay aloof to avoid being tied to one thing or another. Is it lack of creativity, fear of commitment. I don’t know how people can make goals and commit to them when everything feels so vague and wishy-washy. Is the world uncertain and foreboding or do I just see myself that way?

I don’t think I am a writer. But then I’ve also written, that I’ve been paid to to write, and was previously employed as a writer, and then yet still I am back to square one.

I haven’t felt a fiery passion to write in some time. But also I don’t know if I ever did. All’s I know is that it was the thing I relished in most in school, and that I enjoyed most doing. In the fourth grade we had a journalist come speak to our class, and I remember thinking “I want to do what she does.” I got praise from my teachers for my writing, and maybe it was validation which I craved and so I kept doing it?

I think I’m going to strive for mediocrity. We give so much credit to big and bold ideas, to fame and fortune, when really most of us exist only to be forgotten except by our closest friends and loved ones.

The pillars of fame and success are also skewed; and even people who reach these heights can find themselves unhappy, still. We are told that if we play the game right, that we too can rise to the ranks of the rich and famous, when really the game is rigged and the prize is up to interpretation. Career, marriage, kids, divorce, second career, second divorce, kids grow up, death 😵

Did anybody else feel dread while playing the board game, Life?

How do we make meaning, how do I make meaning in myself. What is my purpose? Do I have to have a purpose? I think I am allowed to just vibe and exist 😎

My little daily tasks and goals (do I have any??) can and must serve a purpose, I think. Going to keep pushing the rock up that hill, i guess!!!

Song of the week:

Peace x 🧚🏼‍♀️

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