Sorry sorry for a day-late delay in posting. I was preoccupied with dawdling and doing nothing in which I intended to go to the gym, yet upon realizing that I was rejected from the Dolls Kill position which I applied for, fervently went into job seeking mode. In the meantime I am hosting at a restaurant in Arts District called *****, which I may or may not have a tendency to mispronounce. It’s actually not all that difficult of a job, but I’m lazy and have a tendency to meander rather than RUSH RUSH RUSH. I think if I do manage to land a more office-y or writing oriented job, it will be nice to have the option to pick up shifts as needed.
It definitely has legit restaurant Anthony Bourdain, ‘yes chef’ vibes. Like actually the restaurant staff eats a meal together before the shift ~begins~. It unfortunately was lamb something, so I could not partake but the thought is nice I guess??
This past Sunday I was really digging into those negative core self beliefs vibes and feeling unlive-idal. Feeling like I am without purpose and nothing to look forward to other than just existing. I feel like I’ve been in exist-mode for so long. I work to make money to keep myself housed and the lights on, but I don’t really enjoy it. Like from day-to-day, I feel like I am just surviving. Like my emotional/social needs feel very starved. And I feel like I can’t connect or give to others because I can’t have a cohesive relationship with myself. Like paranoia and fears of abandonment, hypervigilant mode. And then feelings of inferiority/inadequacy whenever I am no longer protected in my own bubble of solitude?? In some ways I think I do okay in solitude, even if it sometimes turns to inward anxiety, than when I am around others/being perceived.
Then there’s like an overcoming sense of hopelessness & helplesness re: this will never get better and I can’t do anything about it. But then relating these back to negative core beliefs, I recognize that as uniquely flawed as I think my psychology to be, actually this is just basic schema therapy.
We come from a world that is so rife with projection just like our *emotionally immature caregivers*. Also everyone’s experience of us is not even the true us, it’s just one of our parts. And that even our perceptions of ourselves are based in internal projections. Shifting into the mode of realizing that negative self talk is an emotional form of self harm, and not a valid depiction of who I am. Imagining talking to a child, or better yet child version of myself and it feels borderline abusive. It’s so hard to escape these lines of thinking when like a boomerang they keep coming back, but i guess we just must persist
What else… went to a couple raves this weekend. And again! Felt inadequate seeing people who I perceived as being much more/attractive interesting. Life isn’t a comparison game, need to swallow that this notion that we are all in competition with each other which isn’t healthy ND actually rooted in toxic systems meant to divide us. But the boom boom music was good, saw some cool rooftop views, asked folks their astrology sign, etc. Hope to do more things other than laundry on a Saturday night going forward.
(Just need to escape this noggin, which I wish I could empty and place on a shelf from time to time.)
A good week to all, and to all a good week. Must get cleaned up so I can get this hostess bread.🍞🥯🥐🥖
ps. the song of the week ◡̎ =͟͟͞͞♡ ᯤ ʬʬʬ