Aside from my mid-morning run (sweaty!) & zoom with one of my Fulbright recommenders, I’ve spent the majority of today ‘researching’ Weimar Period Germany by watching Babylon Berlin on Netflix for ‘research’. Aside from this scene, the colors are definitely cool-toned unsettling, making everyone’s skin look look very dull and uneven; guess facial yoga &/or 10-step skincare routines did not yet exist. You probably had like three things, soap, rouge, kohl and some WATER.
The zoom meeting with my mentor/superstar-idol was reassuring but also a reminder that I am the biggest thing standing in the way of my progress!! He was very adamant that my proposal seems feasible and that with some minor tweaking I would be able to ‘sell’ my proposal. But I feel like I almost don’t know what I don’t know?? So trying to explain my ambitions in a project that I’m not quite sure yet where it’ll take me is difficult. I guess I’m supposed to have a hypothesis for my research and that the grant period would be like quote-unquote fieldwork to support that. Reframing that helps butAHHHH I hate writing actually. Trying to be appeasing to committees and people who will read it by being as broad and unassuming as possible, but by trying this approach, I only end up creating work which is generic and could have been written by anyone. How to infuse my own voice and life story into the work. Am I even a real writer? Am I even a real socialist? Am I even a real??
Have been debating whether I want to focus this work around aesthetic representations of feminine, or stick to working/engaging with writers/artists that interest me.
A kinda ‘wow’ moment that hit me out of left field during this meeting was when my mentor explained that trauma is actually not the event, but the dreams and nightmares associated with the event. In all of my years of being a novice Internet psych student, I don’t think I ever realized the distinction. That rather than events themselves, it’s the aftermath of these events which are defining.
❤ I Made Deviled Eggs today.
Had some pretty grody anxiety last night which woke me up randomly. It’s all of my suppressed fears culminated. That I’m wasting my life, that I’m not doing enough to make the most of my potential. THat I’m not creating the life for myself that I set out to. I have to keep Little Violet in mind with all of my decision-making. Would this suit the version of myself who was not yet aware that limits existed? I guess that is the high that I am chasing.
But also trying to be mindful that as humans we have limits to our creativity. Sometimes there is not enough time or resources or energy to create what we desire. And maybe those limits are temporary and will eventually be resolved through progress, but we still have to overcome these obstacles the best we can. ~
Had a bit of a dip into self-loathing yesterday, but then we said time out!! Progress is not always meant to be strictly linear, as long as the overall trend is still on the up and up.
I have a job interview on Wednesday which I’m p excited for. It would still be in my wHeeLhOusE of skills, plus I think they may match compensation at my last job. The real kicker is that I wouldn’t even have to be in-office for the whole week, as they’re doing a hybrid WFH deal. Which would actually b gr8 for my mental health. Having my laptop at the beach or while I sip sip some espresso at Stories bc it’s so close and it’s the perfect balance of work cafe and perceiving/not being perceived. Nd I live for the barista’s hatwear.
GOt some really sick art from a couple estate sales that I had to LITERALLY fight a woman over. My apartment feels a lil’ less stark now. I think now that I’ve gotten rid of the bulk af vanity that was just sitting and collecting dust, it actually feels like my apartment has a vibe?? Also v proud of my budget hunting this weekend at the flea market, i.e. going at the end when they’re just giving away piles of clothes for cheap bc they don’t wanna have to haul it back. The early peeps pay more for the juicier pieces, so I think that evens out.
Nothing else 2 really say other than I actually forgot how scrumptious mint chocolate Milanos are, and you should go out and buy them. I was watching this Aussie youtuber go to an American snack shop and it was giving me a fomo feeling until I realized I could just go out and buy Milano?? Her videos are so calming and aesthetically pleasing.
Here’s to a good week!! xoxoxo