So we’Re Doing This again?

“A Woman Under the Influence” hmmm connection?

Very much dragged my feet yesterday (a.k.a. skirted the responsibility of my weekly blog because I said to myself what’s the point.) The three month probationary period of my contract is coming to a close, and I hope they keep me on 😦 If not I guess it’s back to the fervent job search.

It feels like I’m not motivated to do the things that will very well improve my life. It’s like I know I have the tools to live the life I want to, but I cannot implement them. I don’t know if it’s fear or burnout but I h8 it. I think this is something that almost everyone deals/copes with when it comes to reaching their goals. We strive towards our vision of ego ideal and when we hit adversity/obstacles and we realize how steep it is to seek out this ideal, we resign ourselves.

Which is really human, and I think a way of feeling safe and minimizing harm. There’s shame and guilt in failing and so we would rather coast by because having ambition means that there is the potential to re-trigger negative self beliefs that can send us into a tailspin:

I’m worthless.

I never do anything right.

I’m not meant to have good thing and experiences in life.

I am on some level inferior.

Which obviously this is just faulty programming from early childhood messaging or from societal messaging that loves to compartmentalize and limit people 🥺 It’s hard because this messaging becomes so ingrained that it seems like it’s a part of us because it’s coming from our own inner voice. But having to remember that these aren’t your beliefs, they were just implanted by other people who wanted to see you fail because it confirms their world view (even family.)

Challenging these voices is important but also so is creating new messaging. And I guess the only way to do that is creating evidence for yourself that you are not as bad as you think you are??? There’s also method of doing affirmations that I’ve heard where you say “it’s quite possible that X” rather jumping straight into the phony hyper-positive deep end of saying “wow i’m amazing, no flaws here.”

I very much don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing one week from now, but also I have to trust that I will be okay or I will go crazy crazy

₍₍ (ง ˘ω˘ )ว ⁾⁾

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