As I write this, I am currently on hold with Uber Eats support in regards to my long-suspended account(s) due to a not-at-fault accident & I guess the ‘fraud’ committed due to my multiple accounts. Much background sound, I have been saying ‘are you there’ for what feels like 20 minutes. Where is my side hustle 😥 Also apparently Grubhub and Insta Shopper both have waitlists, and DoorDash is taking their sweet merry time reviewing my account when it has been well over 24-48 hours. EEEEEk.
Did not realize that the office was closed today, as no one told me, and there was no memo. I thought ‘hey make a day of it’. Got a coffee & did a few errands, thought what the hell let’s drop off that stuff you have in the trunk and do some light shopping at Crossroads. I’m officially canceling Crossroads. It is quite literally the most inefficient system. I wasted 2+ hours, trying on clothes, trying on more clothes, going across the street to tinkle (no toilets OOF), and they STILL didn’t call my name. I literally just gave up and went home. And when I finally did the perfect parallel parking job, whatdoyouknow, I get a text from them saying that it’s my turn. Cue me driving like a bat out of hell, more waiting, more waiting. And then ‘sorry we can’t take any of this’ like dude this could have taken you five minutes, and instead has evolved to this THREE hour cat and mouse game. I h8 it.
FUNZY NEWS. My building is getting fumigated for ‘many types of pests, bugs, and insects in this building’. Can’t wait to be evacuated (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥
Concerns have very much been less self-hatred, anxiety & inward emotions and more just frustration with all the boring lame stressful life shit. Money money money = she has none.
I’ve also become more at peace with solitude. It’s so easy to feel the comparison game, of why don’t I have XYZ person in my life. And there’s a lot of societal shame that comes with being single or not having a huge circle, but all of that is just toxic messaging. I don’t want to have to suppress my personality or pretend to like things that I don’t. It feels like everyone is boring. Or maybe I’m boring for not being curious enough and asking enough questions. But then I think, if I am going to expel mental energy, I would rather reinvest it into myself. I also don’t think relationships or friendships should be forced, even if they seem convenient or desirable, or like they’ll in some way validate us, if temporarily. Maybe it’s short sighted but I hold a lot of value in intuition.
I think that I will know if a person or situation is right almost immediately, and I think most of us do, but we just suppress this with the superego. What we ought to do, how we ought to think. There’s also an attachment issue side of it, where we attempt to force situations that don’t serve us. At this point, I just want to build myself, and hope the rest will follow.
And maybe it is dickish of me, but I don’t want to worry about anything or anyone anymore. I don’t want to absorb anyone’s opinions on anything (unless it’s maybe calling me on my shit and in line with my shadow work.) This feels radical–and obnoxious–but I feel like I’m so used to looking to outside sources of validation, that it feels important that I become a self-sustaining unit. That whether I’m being praised or criticized by others, ultimately these opinions hold no value. Ultimately we all go through life alone, and no one can know the full extent of our experience, and so all we have is ourselves.
I long for community, and I think community is integral for healing, but it’s also not always possible. So it’s a question of cultivating unconditional love for ourselves :S What does that look like? So many of us have never even experienced it.
All of these stupid mundane things are a part of life. But have to remember not to get too emotionally involved with them, as they are ultimately pointless. Just gotta smile n’ laugh!
I’ve been trying to re-shift feelings of dread from ‘I have to do this’ to ‘I get to do this’. ✨ In some ways I’m starting to see old parts of myself again. I think that’s a good sign. I did some mirror gazing yesterday and that seemed to be a good reset. I don’t know if it’s ‘normal’ but almost every time I do a mirror gazing meditation I begin to cry?? There’s points where your face becomes deformed, one eye larger than the other. Some features shrink and grow. I see the older form of myself, my younger self. I notice that inexplicably my pupils become larger. (There’s some people in the spiritual community that say if you do this in a darkened room with candles, that you can summon a demon.)
~Off to do some more mirror work~
mirror mirror on the wall.