My anti-acne medication is working (finally???); I woke up this Sunday with noticeably clearer skin and non-Corpse Bride sunken eyes. Even though I had the potential to go down a stress/shame spiral on Saturday, I thought to myself: ‘hmm we’ve been here before, and this person who you are so upset about is so fully in denial that they will likely never know the error of their ways!!’ My conclusion is that it’s not worth being stressed, and I would much rather be hot.
I have a theory that your main, general disposition wears on your face like a heart on your sleeve. I often find that even when I’m feeling cute, dressed in what makes me feel good, makeup having been meticulously applied–I will look in the mirror and see only a morose, scared waif. I understand that it’s the personification of my wounded child coming through, and yet I want someone to save her. (Only to realize that oh wait, adult me is the only one who can save me! I am also resentful of the fact that I have to take care of this inner baby, but I guess a baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do.)
It’s actually insane the effect that prolonged stress can have on your appearance/overall wellbeing. How it can wreck your skin and digestion and hair (@ the clumps of hair that I have yet to recover after the getting kicked out of Clinton Street fiasco.) I feel like I’m doing the psychosomatic equivalent of smoking or doing drugs to my body. In fact, my skin wasn’t even this bad when I was sleeping all the time and smoking like a chimney. Really need to practice the art of ~letting go~ if not for my own sanity, then for my own vanity. I had a call with my trauma sister on Sunday, and when I brought up this observation she said “I probably have the mental health equivalent of smoking crack rock” :S I mean I get it.
I think with our similar traumas, we’ve both come to realize that undoing years of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse that it’s addicting to re-live the pain. Or that reliving the pain over and over again is the only way to validate it? There still comes times when I push myself into self-denial. That maybe I’m not even worthy enough to claim trauma. It also doesn’t help when you are continually denied by your family that caused the whole shebang?? Need to remind myself that if they had the ability to show remorse and heal the bond in a real way then we wouldn’t have gone through any of this in the first place?? It’s like expecting the blind to lead the blind.
Although I still had a hard time ruminating last night, and hardly slept from anxiety. (Hell I even did THREE guided meditations at 3am to no avail.) The injustice of being ignored, gaslit takes me to my primary trauma response of RAGE. I feel a deep fire in my chest, and jagged like I swallowed whole pieces of glass. But rage will literally kill you, and it will cause health defects. More importantly, I feel like when I’m in a state of rage/feeling wronged, I am just really on edge. And I don’t want that for myself…Need to just laugh at the absurdity of the dynamic. That someone can fully lie to my face and expect me not to catch on phew!
It is terrifying and yet invigorating to think that anything I may hope to do is in MY control.
I have my first Fulbright advising session this week and I am dreadinggggg it. All the feelings of imposter syndrome and shame coming to the forefront as I am reminded of last cycle. But also it is reassuring to know that the only reason I DO feel imposter-y is that I have high standards for myself and for my work. ❤
Every week for the past month has felt like a game of Anxiety Jeopardy. Will I be evicted? Will I lose my job? Will I face some other humiliating event? Tune in next week! In some ways I think I worry so much because I care so much. I finally feel like the dust has started to settle and I don’t want that to ripped away from me. But as it always seems to go, the more that you guard your blessings, I feel like the more, ironically you are bound to lose them. Sometimes you can ruin a good thing by holding on too tightly.
ACCEPTING & Letting Go! (again this is an aspirational blog.) I hope to some day to get to a place on non-attachment, but uh, I am also human being with feeling, so it will probably be some time b4 I get to this state of zen.
Need to remember to eat regularly scheduled meals, and to be more aware of the influences I’m allowing to enter my brain. Thinking about doing a social media cleanse. Because ultimately unless the images I see on my phone are sitting right next to me they are irrelevant. //All that matters is the here and now, anything else that is not in my line of vision is irrelevant//
Eagerly waiting for the chonies I impulsively ordered on account of a ‘mid-summer Black Friday sale’ to come in so I can stunt this whale tail 🐳
I get to choose what I attract. And I am manifesting healthy relationships, self esteem, adventure, travel, authenticity, and deep connections. I am not here on this planet to be small, I want to be greedy in my thirst for experiences. For a while there’s been a wall separating me from myself, holding myself back, and I want to break it.
~To more art, to more reading, to more writing, to more language-learning~
LAISSEZ MOI DANSER! LAISSEZ MOI. CHANTER EN LIBERTÉ TOUT L’ÉTÉ