Lately when i leave work or have 2 drive late-ish on the freeway, I’ve been having not so good feelings. It’s like the hyperawareness that you are in a hunk of metal going 65+ mph, and that there are lanes upon lanes of cares behind you, that if suddenly you stopped or slowed down they would all run you over AHHH. I’ve always been having intrusive thoughts of being involved in a horrific accident. Sometimes when the 5 splits towards the Glendale fwy, I feel like I’m gonna SH!T myself. My hands get all sweaty and I have to place then directly over the AC fans or rub them on my pants. Or sometimes the inverse is that I forget that I am driving at all and when I do remember that I am driving I freak the f out and have to bite on my lip really hard or slap myself in the face just to ground myself. ~In a word~ I simply wish to avoid all driving on the freeway, particularly the 405 DEAR GOD.
Maybe this is some residual body trauma from my accident last October. A guy jumped on my car as I was driving on Sunset, and I thought I killed him 🙂 Even now, when I see someone beginning to jaywalk, I begin to slow to a crawl. I’d rather look like a fool than experience the trauma of inadvertently killing someone! I think there’s a lot of things that can be triggers in a city. Honking & loud noises, strangers, wolf whistles, uneven roads/sidewalks. I find myself jumping even when I don’t realize it. Parallel parking in a one way-street on a really cramped hill but trying to be sure that you’re in an okay spot because of the last two tickets and times you got towed AHHHHH.
This past month especially has really challenged my nervous system to relational conflict, money trouble, poor diet/exercise/sleep/hydration levels, the dance of my own mental undoing. It’s starting to get better now. For a while I was in a hypervigilant mode of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m still just a level above this and can very much slide back in, but still, nature is healing. The content of @_peacefromwithin on IG is very wholesome but also really accurate for depicting what’s going on inside here. (I didn’t even realize I had been having intrusive thoughts for the longest time?? I too, like she mentions, thought I was simply a monster. It’s also really liberating to think that thoughts are just thoughts are have no moral basing on your character or who you are as a human being. And that they are just stupid electrical signals which are a product of our society/environment/monkey brains. I think repositioning thoughts as just something that flow through you rather than what define you or have ownership over is a big break through for me.)
I’ve also been engrossed in my healing journey, but i think I’m actually making some progress within myself. The intense rumination of the past year, of trying to validate my own CPTSD has lead nowhere but the same conclusions which is “people have their own shit that has nothing to do with you and trying to rationalize irrational behavior will only drive you mad.” It’s funny to think how much of other’s faulty thinking and opinions of me I’ve absorbed bc when I really think about it, it’s so stupid??? The fact that I’m the identified patient of my family, not for any rhyme or reason other than just being my own person and not fulfilling the ego ideal of my family??? Is mind blowing.
The fact that in this podcast I was listening to, the dude said he would amount to the future Charles Manson is chillingly similar to the time in adolescence that I was told I was going to become a psychopath because I watched too much Dexter and that I needed to be put on drugs and sent to an institution. (On Michael C. Hall: no further comment, your honor.)
When I buy clothes in a setting where there are no dressing rooms or nowhere for me to try on, I have the tendency to misjudge my size severelyyyy. I don’t know what in my brain thought I could fit into this child size 10 skort that I got this weekend at Goodwill. In an effort to prove a point to myself that I didn’t waste $5 I spent a good 20 minutes cutting off circulation trying to squeeze my literal A$$ in. FOR what stubborn baby! I’m now determined to not let this faulty purchase be in vain. Maybe some looser elastic?? Let out the hem?? Spanx??
Right now I really hate all my clothes. But I don’t want to accumulate more junk, but then Buffalo Exchange only wants to give me $15. excuse me. But also I get it, there’s a reason I’m giving this stuff away.
The Facebook Marketplace quest to get rid of my vanity continuessssss. I am really not a good capitalist. Maybe I should add some emojis and cutesy language? A depop listing vibe but for the good folks of Los Angeles Free & For Sale.
I went to my Ballroom class this Sunday, for the first in ages, and I was very much not on beat 🙂 My body felt so clumsy and disconnected, when weeks ago I felt like I was hitting the moves. It was a transformative moment which I’m actually really really really really embarrassed about, when it was my turn to walk and everyone was watching me/cheering me, but what felt like pity to me. I ran outta there crying in like an unable-to-breathe-way and had a full on alleyway therapy session with one of the instructors who gave me the pep talk of the century. I think being visible/seen by others is a really palpable way of like holding a mirror up to your soul.I have no eloquent words to truly express my gratitude for Prince Zay but it was a really beautiful/profound moment for me.
Performing really forces you to confront your innermost feelings about your worth and how you want the world to perceive you
Got to try floor work which involved opening some leg and flashing some C U Next Tuesday in a very fast-paced coordinated way. I need to remember to keep going to class so that I don’t lose progress and save the waterworks.
We make full circle in this blog post w Driving anxiety, as I was very much scared to be driving home after class. It’s weird I had this intense fear when I first started driving in LA, but it had mostly dissipated once I started driving for Postmates. I think that being tired and maybe dehydrated is a contributing factor, bc when I came home yesterday I drank copious amounts of water in my little rinky dink Madonna Inn tumblr.
Speaking OF. I should probably hydrate rn and begin to wind down to prevent such an occurrence tomorrow.
Ta Ta for now x