It’s Okay, You can Say It

i really fudged it 😦

Dear Reader,

It’s okay, you can call me a bitch 👈 In my characterization of events in last week’s blog, I was very much speaking from a place of reactivity rather than genuine critical thought, and I’m not even if I even fully buy what I was selling tbh. I offended someone I should not have in an effort to release some sort of pent up turmoil. But always be punching UP rather than on the people you love and who certainly do not deserve it.

I think a lot of my self-destructive tendencies are bleeding into my relationships, and I’m trying to hold myself accountable & not continue societal/generational violence of just poo pooing on unsuspecting/undeserving people. Need to do more shadow work and address these aspects of myself.

After all, they say the best step towards healing is accountability. It’s easy to be reckless and hurt others when you’re in ego-state of self loathing. Feigning weakness on a subconscious level can be great for avoiding accountability, but it ultimately strips you of your own autonomy. And I want to reclaim my power, and in order to do so, I have to occasionally lie in the bed I’ve made. But just to reiterate: I’m sorry.

Writng this blog is very reminiscent of this angsty tweet I liked. Why am I writing this? Do i deserve the privilege to write or to be heard when there’s so many exasperated, begging to be heard; but writing this weekly blog sets a goal for me towards action and hopefully through action i will become less wallow-y and hence more compassionate towards myself and thus towards others 🙏🏼

I feel like maybe I’m a danger to others and my relationships. Sometimes I just feel like hiding, so as not to cause more hurt/disappointment to others. Or that I’m incapable of having a conversation anymore. Maybe I am just in the cocoon phase of my healing. I need to just be put on pause and work on myself until I’m no longer a menace to society :S But also I know that I know in order to heal, I need to be in the world AH

I actually wrote most of this blog on the bike at Planet Fitness where I am now a member bc after TWO impoundings in one week, misery of her own making, she is broke as a joke.

It was my first workout in a gym in over a year and it felt so ~surreal~ very crowded vibes, and my mask was trying to smother me. It’s also jarring that it’s RIGHT next to the Burbank. I wonder if I’ll be able to catch a plane taking off one of these days. And snap some photos 📸

I went to a wicked estate sale near my old neighborhood. It was so tranquil. It’s always a somber event because there’s either death or repossession involved which is never fun 😥 I try to walk and tread lightly.

Really wanna ditch the crap in my apartment that doesn’t serve me. 💆‍♀️I tried posting on facebook marketplace and craigslist, and haven’t had a genuine offer (besides the scammer w the “busy schedule” and “daughter getting married”.) Maybe I need to give it time before tweaking. Might also drop some stuff off at Buffalo Exchange, if they WANT it. Never forgetting that time the place on Melrose just said no 💅🏼 when I pulled out my bag.

There is something to be said that a messy space encourages a messy mind or that ¢ℓєαиℓιиєѕѕ ιѕ иєχт тσ gσ∂ℓιиєѕѕ👼🏼

Now that I have induction stovetop appropriate cookware (thanks to an important person who i am grateful for) I will now attempt to make the H-Mart take-home hot pot. I will report back on levels of tastiness.

Happy monday x

Bisou bisou adieu 💋

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