Object Cathexis & the Nuclear Awakening

As I write this, I am once again laptop-less, and am coming to you live from mein Handy 📱 I almost considered not posting this week bc I was so down in the dumps yesterday. I had a charming lunch visit with my grandparents in Griffith Park, near the ‘Old Zoo’, during which I learned much disturbing information about—even in the 40’s visitors and the public alike were urging that it get shut down bc it was too depressing with its mistreatment of the animals :/ I may or may not have seen a former hookup from afar (or it could have been the paranoia which accompanies unresolved feelings of resentment which cause you to see that person seemingly at random like a ghost.) Either way, cheers xx not here to re-live those cringe times 🤒 (& yet here I am talking about it!!)

re: the zoo; a full on noir film scandal!

I went shopping for work clothes after, and maybe the combination of feeling grimy from outdoors time, or seeing the blast from the past triggered something, but I felt absolutely disgusting. Something about shopping when I feel ugly brings me back to high school me. I would dread leaving the house and/or being seen, constantly comparing my features to everyone I saw, feeling the weight of being seen. Feeling the compulsive urge to examine my appearance in any remotely reflective surface. That feeling of wanting to fall into a hole and disappear 🕳 When I’m feeling like this, everyone seems menacing. I hear a laugh in the distance and assume it’s about me. Made the most, and went into a few stores. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or curse, but every single time I enter a store, without fail, I’m never greeted, yet almost always the person behind me is, and then comes the moment where I think it’s for me, but no 😍 I get it, my body language and demeanor is very much give me space, but it’s like when there’s a party you don’t want to go to, but you don’t even get the opportunity to say no to the invite. It hits the gut! I went into Kooples, and wanted to ask about the sales rack, try on in my size, etc. but my frantic efforts to be noticed failed. And then I felt like a disgusting ugly poor freak that they wouldn’t even dare to acknowledge. Mom would say that I look so self-assured & on a mission that I clearly don’t need their help (but I’m not so sure.)

I know how whiny this sounds, and I berate myself for how whiny and self-pitying my thoughts are. Sometimes I feel like my ego is split in two, like I have a false self. Either this grating overbearing presence or the one who wants to slip away forever. Who is the real me? ~I think this is why I can’t smoke weed at parties~

I started reading “The Drama of the Gifted Child” per Heidi’s suggestion and ooof it’s hitting some points—especially the split between depression and grandiosity. It very much reads like a psych textbook, and it’s a bit old old school, but there are some definite gems like this one:

the ugly is also beautiful :’)

If ur a lost sap like me and wanna do some ego work, I highly recommend. U can read online for free hehe

(http://www.isamit.com/system/files/downloads/The%20Drama%20of%20the%20Gifted%20Child%20-%20Advanced.pdf)

But the real drama of the week is my roommate who has decided to go totally nuclear. Since I moved into this house, I have been gently insistent that we maintain regular house meetings, to stay on the same page, make sure everyone gets heard, and just bond a lil more. Nothing major, just like roomie records-and-cocktail-hour.

I would communicate this several times in the group chat, and Karen-in-training, Kit would put it off and off and off with BS excuses. It was evident that she was unwilling to engage in conversation that mattered. And what do you know! Conflict is inevitable and a healthy part of any dynamic. Her growing passive aggression over petty chores, was palpable. She would send these obnoxious saccharine texts, reminding us of “house rules” that she has unilaterally declared, as though me and my comrade lived in a student dorm.

I think when living with anyone there is give and take. You are bound to annoy them as much as they annoy you, and so you TALK. I expelled so much labor, creating a bb chore chart (which was promptly rejected), even suggested a google doc where we could share our concerns if Karen was so adamant about not talking to us IRL. Because she was the only one on the lease, she liked to wield arbitrary power over us. Very much if you asked this person would you rather be feared or loved, you know which one she would choose.

Gotta be real and say that bc of it all, I have had trouble sleeping and have dreaded coming home, even lingering on the steps or in my car before walking in. Now Karen, after several weeks of avoidant behavior, has decided to drop an email announcing that she will be kicking us out bc we are affecting her mental health, like i’m right there with you 🙂 If she would literally just TALK to us, a resolution could be reached. I don’t know how else you expect tension to go away. Let it marinate until it’s gets coagulated and moldy, THEN WHAT. Gotta just trust karma, that she will reap what she sows 🤢 𝐀𝐋𝐒𝐎! 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐠𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐝𝐝𝐝𝐝𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐋𝐀 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬’ 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬. 👊 I am tempted to create a hoodie with “tenants’ rights” emblazoned à la the iconic I❤️NY.

speaking offfffff; these are currently sitting in my Depop likes/plaguing my dreams. My german teacher at USC used to say I had a “shoe fetish” bc I loved shoes so much. I think the sexual undertones of that phrase were lost on her. Miss You Frau Lee!

Anyway off to make dinner. Stay safe, stay sexy! Bisou bisou 💋

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