Greetings friends and foes!
I come to you with another edition of The Shedonist. This time written on my iphone while my laptop is finally being serviced by a third party apple repair affiliate store. I finally thought to myself “yeah okay the constant fan whirring and crunchy sound is too much.” 😌 I’ve just completed my first week of work and honestly everyday I keep waiting to receive the “can you come meet me in my office at the end or the day” text Keep trying to make myself seem important even though the load is light some days. I always feel like such an imposter in office spaces, like i’m just a ape baby learning how to send emails and seem ~normal~ in my work clothes that i definitely don’t agonize over. I definitely don’t agonize over my weird digestion sounds which I worry is IBS. I remember a former work study boss of mine (who i loathed for not only being canadian but also loving The Office, so much so she took a road trip to Scranton, PA) commented on it one time, saying “boy you must be hungry”. I wanted to scream NO ALLISON IT’S AFTER LUNCH, i just drink too much coffee and feel the constant weight of anxiety and that trips up my large intenstine.
I heard that exercise or movement cool the gurgly noises so I walked to the park for lunch that day (and today! okay, ngl today i drove bc last time i got sweaty and today was very much summer in southern california weather.)
I’m not even a granola person, but I have to get out and stretch my legs at least *once* a day, before going back to being an indoors recluse… But oddly enough routine is good for me. It gives me a reason to do things. Otherwise I will stay in bed until 1pm. It is ironic though, my anxiety means that I never get more than 6, maybeeeee 6.5 hours of sleep. And then here I am day in and day out writing about the importance of sleep. In some ways it feels cruel 😥 If anyone has any sleep tips, please share.
Been sad and in a contemplative mood after a talking stage fling ended a couple weeks ago. It’s making me want to change my whole personality into being more accommodating. Sometimes I subconsciously think if I hate myself enough and self flagellate enough, I can become a version of myself that is more loved and widely adored. But then I remember that even if I did make myself a slug, no one would want that slug. Need to prosper and metamorphosize into a beautiful butterfly. 🦋 Also the fact that people will always hate you no matter what; and that’s okay bc I probably hate a lot of those people. We have the option of flattening ourselves into the greatest common denominator at the risk of being boring and unmemorable, or being our true authentic self, and pissing off people sometimes. And that’s okay! Sometimes I annoy myself. Sometimes I have a running stream of consciousness, and my higher self goes that’s enough ❤️. I think it’s okay that we annoy ourselves and others from time to time. But the full truth sometimes needs to be censored. Not out of shame or embarrassment but just on a need-to-know-basis. For example, a few weeks ago, I remember sitting on the porcelain thrown of my apartment, naked, and witnessing my reflection created by the shower door. I thought, even if a guy had seen me from angle, I don’t think he could see this one. Not even for the sake of stomach rolls, but that I looked like an actual heathen.
I miss people. I miss parties. I miss happy hour and dates. My energy is very much the tweet below. I’m fully vaccinated and yet, who will have my deranged self. 😳 You can meet people on apps, but I get so bored, and everyone looks ugly. Which I know is bc men actually incapable of taking decent photos. Wish they could just sexualize themselves a smidge more… I can the same three people, but forgetting that my vax status is a privileged and other people are still being really cautious. Also they are on the hustle grind making money, so I cannot fault them.
I also realized today that my hair is extremely greasy 2day. I think while I was doing my hours long meal-prepping on Sunday, I just figured that my hair was still wet from the bath I took (yes, fight me 😤), and I was so busy that I didn’t investigate further. (Side note: I also did a candle DIY wherein i utilized the leftover wax from my candles to create a new candle. Felt very Martha Stewart.)
Anyway, probably gonna do a scalp scrub tonight, in between cleaning the bathroom and laundry and watching Degrassi (¡¡important!!) ~whatever it takes, i know i can make it through~ I got gas tonight and a gas can so that I will not be stranded with AAA again in the imminent future, hehe. Hope is on the horizon, maybe???
A gross tourist dude with a 45 t-shirt asked why I left texas (bc of my plates—also what is the trend of driving with your windows or hood down, and men wanting to kidnap you when you’re at a red light yelling HEY hey HEY HEY. like what do you want me to do?? leave my car at a red light and get into yours??) and I wish I had channeled the gift of the gab, and retorted back “to get away from people like you.” Roomie situation is sus, and I don’t know what’s happening. Things have been very tense and awkward, with one roommate pushing off all conversations until the end of the month 🥵 But you know, gotta remember the tik tok trend “ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪ ɴᴇᴇᴅ, ɪ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ʜᴀᴠᴇ…ʙᴄ ᴍʏ ᴅᴇsᴛɪɴʏ ɪs ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴍᴇ”. Signing off! ₱Ɇ₳₵Ɇ ₳₦Đ ⱠØVɆ ₮Ø ₳ⱠⱠ. 🕊🧿