SCREAm and Shout and Let it All OUt

Sorry for the late post, I have been severely depressed and asking the Universe why I was ever born/unable to eat type spiral 😥 Last night was my first semi-okay meal. Combining that with the side effects of the second jab and wooooo has it been a trip. Surprisingly on Day 1 (Sunday), I felt relatively okay. The immediate effect while I was still in my car was a mild high/tipsy/loopy feeling. (But then that could have just been me feeling anxious.) I bared witness to a man in another car in the observation line, who was either facetiming or vlogging, say ‘ahahahaha I feel great, I don’t know what these people are talking about SIDE EFFECTS, i feel good‘ but of course maybe he was feeling a bit high too. (This moment was coupled with with the fact that How Do U Want It was playing in the background.)

Been faced with existential depression and the meaning (or meaningless of it all.) But remembering that sometimes we are not meant to understand everything. Tupac could still be alive after all. Andddd on the topic of conspiracies I binged all of that Q Anon show on HBO. I think most of our first reactions to these people is “wow, what complete morons”, but there’s something so sad/human about people who are not equipped with the skills to understand something and so make up answers on the fly. Of course, it gets more insidious when you realize that this insecurity projected becomes an opportunity to project their racist, sexist, anti-semitic hate. It also is the reason why I am much less sympathetic to these people.

We’re all confused and lost, but using that fear to spout off disgusting bigoted views is NOT OKAY imo. I’d much rather hang with Robert at the nail salon who talks about talks about chemtrails and is always trying to get me to smoke weed with him at the beach tbh! What I think is so ironic about these people is that they purport to want to protect children from pedophiles and baby eaters in the Deep State, yet won’t willingly acknowledge that sites like the former 8 Chan are active gathering sites for the sharing/distribution of child pornography. I feel like these people are also the type who would willingly endorse the sexualization of teenagers (yes teenagers are children and not just mini adults.) So much hypocrisy! The people I went to high school and middle school with who spouted off on Twitter and Facebook around the release of Cuties (who probably never even watched it!) The film definitely could have been written better and more sophisticatedly, and not portrayed this strict dichotomy that Western=good and TheOther=bad. The fact that so much energy is exhausted in order to teach young girls and AFAB kids what kind of women they should be is exactly the whole point!! Hate lazy conspiracy theorists that are so close to being on the nose of acknowledging systemic oppression and then instead pull a Bill Gates or Hillary Clinton ‘gotcha’, its booooring.

I also watched all of It’s A Sin, in one sitting (thanks Joseph for the rec! the irresponsible viewing was my own bad!) Really heart-wrenching to think about all the years of unnecessary suffering that occurred due to the early years of AIDS. To think that a COVID scale public health emergency, was simply ignored and did not received the same international attention as COVID (as it rightfully should have received), is so endlessly tragic 😦 A whole generation of brilliant minds </3 It is funny though because at the start of COVID, I did think a lot about AIDS. As I guess that’s the only widespread epidemic I can think to remember. The number of conspiracies born from COVID were not all that dissimilar from those which came about from AIDS (wow our dummy brains never really change, huh.) I’m so grateful for the peeps who gave their bodies to science and went through test after test to get HIV/AIDS treatment to where it is now. And even if the COVID vax (which literally has not reported any adverse effects despite the tons and tons of people who’ve received it) means that I’m being a test baby, I’d rather be a test baby to science than a test baby to my own stupidity. People my AGE, who still can’t smell or experience the occasional brain fog, not for me!

Engel ange GIF - Find on GIFER

Add to that, LA experienced a 4.0 magnitude earthquake at 4:44 AM (angel numbers apparently) on Monday morning. I woke up in an achy sweaty mess, and it felt like my bed was a bit on the waterbed side. But I went back to sleep because it did not feel urgent. (Okay I lied, I stayed up and watched John Oliver on Last Week Tonight because I was still feeling pretty anxious and depressed. )

Next morning I was able to get cleaned up and wear my little outfit and do my little tasks, but still nauseous and feeling the dread of existing, which was not a COVID vax effect 🙂 BUT I took a little drive to Venice, I experienced the ocean, and my feet in the sand and I meditated (albeit a little distracted about where I should pee because I’d been pounding gatorade to combat the dehydration effects of the vax, and the public bathrooms at Venice are notoriously horrible.) Watched the skaters do their thing, heard a random beach bum proselytizing about the interconnectedness of it all, and how you should stay away from sugar and eat tofu, or okay maybe chicken if it’s cooked healthy.

I also picked up this half-size of Gucci Bloom, which I have been obsessed with ever since I received a sample like three years ago. I recently got another sample, and when that baby ran out I thought okay, it’s finally time. Very much gives the energy of a 13 year old’s first nice perfume or that really competitive soccer mom, and I’m here for it. Peace and love to all :-*

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