What a world, what a life. Much to think about. This past year has been a lot of time for me to process and to hash, and to re-hash. To obsess and re-obsess over and over again! Past relationships, past friendships, ego death, the works. I am glad for it because it has allowed me to come back into conversation with people I’d drifted away from for whatever reason. Be it the insecurity brought on by age, or attachment issues. PLEASE take the attachment style test, I am begging you. It will change your life more than astrology or Myers Briggs: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/ …. Also please find your A.C.E. (or adverse childhood experience) score–not to brag, I got a 4–as it will genuinely cause you to reevaluate everything and lead you down the YouTube rabbit hole of watching these genderless blob babies on Psych2go. https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/ .
Some people say “the past is the past, move on!” Ah but yes, how do we move on unless we are able to evaluate the root of our dysfunction. Valid that forgiveness and acceptance is the goal, but how do we get there! And for people wanting to raise a baby farm (not for me, maybe a puppy farm or random shit I bought off Instagram farm), it is so so so important to know what wounds were passed onto you that you can STOP in its tracks. ~Generational curses and trauma innit~
But on topic of reevaluating past relationships, yesterday I was forced to reckon with my past head on! I was on my Postmate hoe grind (I’ve also been catching myself pronouncing it with an emphasis on the O in the Canadian “about” manner due to all my Degrassi binge watching, all these hours of watching and there’s still five more seasons???????), picking up Sugarfish on Sunset (bc Sugarfish is where the tips are at), when I opened the door and who was I to see but a former friend. We fell out because she was connected to a friend group that I realized was incredibly toxic to my mental health. Lots of passive aggression on the basis of “it’s just jokes!” as well as being buddy-buddy with a dude that burned me who I am pretty sure is a certified Narcissist.
This former-friend in question, I think always meant well and never actively did harm towards me, in fact I think at certain times she was the butt of these “jokes” and felt that she had to go along with it. I tried to be there and support her when she needed it, but like moths to a flame, empathic people always return to those with narcissistic tendencies 😥 Not to say that empaths can never be an asshole, I’ve been an asshole many times. But yeah it was weird, we locked eyes in recognition of each other, and then sped past one another.
Don’t know what I did to upset the universe, but this order ended up taking me to this godforsaken labyrinthian corporate apartment complex, where I quite literally got lost. My rule is that if you live in one of these hell-holes you have to at LEAST meet your courier in the lobby of your building, otherwise you courier might begin to cry and breakdown such as moi! I had the strong urge to just leave the order in some random bushes. I think people underestimate that going to one of these absolute mazes is not easy breezy beautiful Covergirl as it may be for you, the person who exists here day in and day out. In our defense, the layout numbering system of these places is literally shit. It reminds me of when I got lost at the Lorenzo and ended up completely outside the building, stuck in an alley way overlooking the freeway. And yes, I was almost stuck 127 hours style recently when I tried to deliver a weed pen (blazeee it) to these girls from the UK who lived in one of those Grove-adjacent pads.
What else… I’ve been filling my mind with garbage like watching YouTube videos on how to attract rich men and looking at my ex’s house on Zillow. This Swedish lady gives tricks and tips on how to scam your way into high society. Eating fast food and using phrases like dude are a no, guess i’m out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Another interesting point is that she encourages women not to act masculine. Granted it is selling yourself into these strict heteropatriarchal relationships so what’s new. Gold digging and sex work moreover is seen by many sex-negative people as demeaning or “lazy” labor. What’s lazy about having to constantly maintain your physical appearance or totally transforming your personality to be two-dimensional happy go lucky. It all goes back to people internalizing sex shame, and judging others who take ownership of their sexuality or who profit from it. How dare you exist in a way that I can’t control, is the sentiment. The people who engage in sex work are usually minorities, women, trans people, POC. With all these heavy/weighty historical burdens that make wealth inaccessible, this is a way to game the capitalist in a way that somehow leads to survival.
Not like it’s all rainbows, people engaged in this work get raped, assaulted, robbed, kidnapped, and even murdered. (Thinking about the recent massage parlor shooting in Atlanta was hard. I think of my asian grandma who cultivated her sexuality to “get ahead”, could this have been her?) Because once again we victim blame the dead. Some people might say then why don’t we ban sex work? Yeah right, and ban the oldest profession in the world? Even Jesus was hanging with sex workers. It puts the blame on people who might genuinely even enjoy their work, but just want to be safe.
Not everyone is crazy about this work but not everyone is a victim! That is a patronizing bullshit take. Does Middle America cry when the coal miners go off to work? no! My family is from West Texas and you would regularly see people out and around town still in their work clothes, fresh off an oil rig. This is seen as “tough blue collar labor”, but that is admirable nonetheless, whereas the two-faced form of Christianity which dominates the area would regard sex work and sex workers moreover as entities to be eliminated for being so “morally reprehensible”. There is still cost-risk at play here, but at least labor unions. How are sex workers meant to advocate for themselves when their very existence is constantly sought to be eliminated by the state?
I think there is something admirable in sex work, I met many people in college who were engaged in it. This classmate of mine in my WRIT 340 class who was studying to become a sex therapist, that did cam work. She told me how the dynamic was really all-encompassing. You are providing your body as an object of desire, but also providing social/emotional support. These Johns may be lonely or depressed. You could be the first person they’ve talked to in a week. You are giving the gift of care, much like any other service. You are providing emotional labor. (But then at least you are getting paid!)
I think a lot about the sort of labor that women and other folks often go through in their relationships with men. The expectation to be flexible, to be nurturing, to be easy-going, to be nice, to not be argumentative, to not have their sexual desires be just as important and valid as penile ejaculation. It is getting better, so much better, I remember the comprehensive high school sex ed at my all-girls school. But then I think again how we talked about blue balls, yet never talked about how to give ourselves pleasure. Although a question from the anonymous question box did inadvertently lead to a discussion of produce-oriented masturbation (yes cucumbers and eggplants.)
I know so many people who have given their whole souls to maintain a relationship with a man, myself included. It’s very much the cool girl trope. We have to be one of the boys that they can fuck, with as much emotional/spiritual needs as a house cat. To profit off that emotional labor seems at least an even exchange than fighting with a man who won’t even go to therapy :S Anyway, under capitalism, WE, the workers are all being exploited. It’s imperative that we realize this solidarity, that we don’t judge others’ decisions which enable them to survive.
THAT’s MY SOAPBOX.
But on a lighter note, I saw this TikTok and hope to attain this sweet baby on my run to CVS later today for some biotin and B12. Love always, Violet. ❤
EDIT: The Shedonist went to four separate CVS’s in search of the beloved HK Easter plush. Word on the street (Reddit) is that it may be an East Coast thing only. I’m gutted. But found some valuable news sources in the process.