I’ve been having to do a lot of thinking this week which apparently is the antithesis of healing! But nonetheless, I’ve been having to use reason to silence my negative inner critic. I’ve also been feeling loss and grief as a consequence of my own actions (well well well.) It’s hard for me to not want to immediately self-abandon the moment I am externally abandoned (or perceived to be), which is no FUN because it’s like pouring salt on the wound.
Ultimately I have to be content with the past, and make decisions that I can be satisfied with. Isn’t that just called living? I pass by this billboard on the way home from work and I cannot tell if it is meant to be an all too self-aware direct marketing scheme or some sort of subversive art piece. Maybe affirmations are just a socially acceptable form of self-hypnosis. I think I will attempt this. 🔮
It’s exhausting constantly thinking about healing and the mental routes and the causes and the detours therein. It’s like my brain is the energizer bunny constantly. Psychology involves tapping into our intellectual side as a point of exploration, but we are not just intellectual beings. I have to remember to not remember. That sometimes the answer is not thinking, which is really difficult because worry and anxiety feels like a form of control (even if it isn’t.)
I think that in the same way we can beget our own misery, we can beget our own joy DUH. I’ve picked up my practice of Morning Pages, and had a realization that where I am now is exactly where I wanted to be a year ago. That is so satisfying, and yet I’ve only just realized that because my brain always more more and more. I think anyone who was a high-achieving student or literally just grew up with the messaging that their worth was defined by their esteem &/or accomplishments is well familiar with this sentiment. But where does it get us?? Nowhere, just in a constant state of uncertainty and keeping up with the Joneses depression.
Consciously I tell myself that I don’t want success or material gain or recognition for my work, but I think there is a part of my lizard brain that still believes this. Unpacking this: is this ladder towards success and upward mobility in a capitalist society something I even want or is it just an idea that has been planted? If we just define our self worth based on external cultural markers of success, not only are we setting ourselves up for a life meant to appease others, but also one of uncertainty/instability. It is unrealistic to think that can or always will be winning.
Of course I would love to travel and buy cool shit and see my work published with the big leagues. I seek to find fulfilling relationships, but as Satre says, love is not altruistic, and we use it to seek our own desires by objectifying the Other. So basicallyyyyy I have to find fulfillment within? What a concept.
Trying to laugh at myself more and find humor in it all, from a point of non-attachment. If bad things happen, so be IT! I can’t control the weather.
Retin-a has turned me into a scaly dragon that as I write this, my chin is extremely itchy from dryness. In other riveting skin news, I’m pretty sure I got a sunburn and yet I’m not red??? it just hurts to wash my hands 😦
I still wear a mask at work, and I’m certain this is a contributing factor, but I’m not sure how advisable it is to maskless even with my double-jab. Watch me be the 2% milk that contracts Rona in spite of. Will def be making a return to trusty cloth ones, it’ll be good for the environment!
Did a lot of self-care oriented activities for which I am proud of myself ❤ There’s a factory sale going on next weekend that I am already anticipating going to next weekend. Just realized that it’s summer and I hate all my clothes. (Ah to be a better more responsible parker who did not just pay to have their car impounded TWICE.) I’d also like to see some art this week.
H8 that I haven’t been to Ballroom classes in a minute. I’ve just been broke and unmotivated (re: sad), that the commute seems to be a deterrent. But as I am now 1.5 weeks into my PF membership ~no judgment zone~, I’m still missing the lightheartedness of dance. As opposed to the clang clang sweat sweat 🏋️ plus it’s always crowded. But I will swallow my pride and make the journey. It’s an all levels class IDK why i’m even making such a big deal but it’s my brain we’re talking about!
Wishing you all a good week and that you may have the ultimate goth girl summer x