αℓℓ ι киσω ιѕ тнαт ι киσω иσтнιиg

It’s Crying in our Car Kate Bush Hours! No seriously have you ever experience the sweet relief of a car-cry? I would highly recommend.

Oddly enough, I would cry every day, driving home from high school. I wasn’t bullied, I was just melodramatic, as I am now.

I’ve been going to the gym lately (who am I??) and what can I say, but endorphins are actually good for the soul, as They say.

//

I also in good basic bitch fashion watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s on a Saturday night :O I also forgot how abhorrent the racial caricature produced by Mickey Rooney, which as a child viewing felt like an absurd ‘quirky’ character, that didn’t appear to me to be as it blatantly does now as a gross stereotype of an man of East Asian whose loud protests and ranting against the nuisance can be appeased with the allure of a wink and blow of a kiss, assuring the man that maybe he’ll be able to get *that* photoshoot. If it’s any consolation, I DID pirate the movie.

I think that the film adaptation really strives to make Golightly as this glamorous well to do socialite, but as we know from the novella, she is just a social-climbing phony, attempting to hide her country bumpkin roots in an attempt to gain riches. Very influencer-like I guess. Capote makes her seem so much more sad and lowly in his writing of her… That the glamorous life is just a facade and deep down there is sadness. I think this is illuminated in the film, with the powder room talk, and when her manipulative husband appears to lure her back, but I think we the modern audience are distracted by shiny things as we often are.

Her psychology is typical, and I cringe to think of how I may relate. My past year of severe reading of psychology blogs has lead me to diagnose her with an avoidant attachment disorder with unresolved childhood trauma. I almost feel like there is room for a capitalist critique here. She hopes that the security of wealth will absolve the discomfort and feeling of the earlier half of her life, both the poverty she endured and relational trauma. As the story of America in the mid twentieth century goes, all the cool kids left farms to make a life in the city. Which escaping poverty is a real thing… And sometimes it’s easy to paint the impact as an individual, rather than collective level. (I mean hi, we are all dealing with several epidemics which are coalescing all at once related to health care, racism, wealth inequality, etc. and it’s still taken at face value as a case by case basis.)

You had the dustbowl, etc. When I think of my own family narrative, I think of my great-grandmother whose family hailed from Oklahoma and probably had that Dust Bowl thing going on–were alcoholics and I think very stoic/Protestant. As a result my great -grandmother developed a latent fascination in porcelain dolls bought from QVC.

But then how do you mend psychological wounds in a society which poses companionship as fleeting or based on ownership. (I don’t even know if Paul or her even truly see each other, or if they see just enough of each other to pair off.) A society which also prioritizes romantic love over any other platonic, familial love. How do we unpack the notion that wealth=security=happiness=goodness. And that those who have attained wealth are in some way more skilled and talented by virtue of playing the game well of attaining capital.

❤ ❤ <3<3 ❤ ❤ ❤ <3<3 ❤ <3<3 ❤ <3<3 ❤ ❤ ❤ <3<3 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3<3 ❤ <3<3 ❤ ❤

By now I feel like my blogs have become redundant, with me saying the same thing every time. I don’t know if repetition means that I am hammering in points, or that I am dry with ideas. In any case, here are some random things written in my notes as of late:

Is it possible to have intimate relationships with landmark spaces when everybody has already claimed it as their own?

I feel that I am at a crux of not caring enough and perhaps caring too much, and about the wrong things.

They say that if you are still on the path of setting goals, and means to accomplish those goals, then you are doing okay.

But what is it that I actually want to achieve?

I want to write and be a writer, and instead I find myself floundering in temporary distractions.

Cheers. X

ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ

Today’s latent post is a bid towards the general public and everyone… pls stop perceiving me 💖

How do we make sense of the notion that we are constantly under the surveillance imposed by the gaze of the Other over which we have no control. I have no idea how you perceive me, and you likewise. We are in constant negotiation of our own identities and our role therein. However, these perceptions are fleeting and mostly inaccurate. Do we ever exist as a solid entity in other people’s heads? Maybe to those closest to us?

i think being confronted by other’s internal ranking or perception of me is driving me a little loca. people think that you want to be perceived by them [which yes we are in a constant pull between being known and unknown] but i’m so tired of the femme’s experience being so colored my a male/digital gaze.

I don’t wish my existence to be merely ornamental. My aimlessness and never-ceasing contradictions is what gives me substance and makes me whole. And I would like to invite you {the universe} to walk with me in that rather than sit on the sidelines and gawk.

I also cannot help but recommend the novel “Trick Mirrors” by Jia Tolentino, as it seems to resonate on several levels. Jia doesn’t seem to argue or make justifications towards her worldviews or beliefs, more so just lays them out in way that’s very much them’s the facts. She is also from texas and grew up listening to chopped and screwed which is a personality trait that I very much admire. for better reading of “Trick Mirrors”, I recommend not dropping the copy that your dear and cherished friend gave you in the bath 😡

Speaking of lady writers….M*ggie N*s*n may be coming to my work?? and I don’t know if it’s THE maggie or whatnot, but if it is her, I will fangirl internally.

Still seeking out Fulbright sources of affiliation, oops. In my research towards such, I came across The Alphabet of Feeling Bad by Karin Michalski. In it, she categorizes a wide array of specific icky feelings and makes note that they are largely due to the collection feeling, rather than the fault of the individual, through “public feelings. Therefore for now on, I will be proclaiming that whatever I am feeling is a public feeling.

My attempt to write this is a bid towards public feelings. Why should we so actively seek to hamper our rich internal worlds to mimic a more masculine worldview which is sparsely emotive, and which only glorifies certain modes of expression, sounds pretty lame if you ask me.

Really want to lean into my weirdness this week, and observe from a place of nonjudgment, I wish the same for u ❤

xx

am i cliché? cuz wut You Do 2 Me is a SHAME

eunce eunce

Saw a really incredible show this weekend at the David Kordansky Gallery, Andrea Büttner ‘Grids, vases, and plant beds’ which featured a 32 min video, containing footage and interviews of nuns from the Carmelite Convent of the Precious Blood, located in Dachau.

There’s tinges of discomfort, at once feeling like an intrusion of history and of the memory of the victims, combined with a palpable and conviction on the part of the nuns to atone for the sins of perpetrators who vehemently promoted the religion. There is sentiment of hopeful post-war interfaith peace-keeping, that while noble feels a bit out of touch. Did these nuns join the convent out of a deep sense of shame? A perverse curiosity?

My sense is that it Buettner wants us to observe, while also noting the inconsistencies. That maybe some of intentions were good, but that the road to hell is ‘always paved with good intentions’ as they say. I think that it is important to be skeptical of people’s actions.

It’s so difficult finding a balance in seeking accountability. I feel like one whiff of disagreement of judgment, and people are liable to become defensive. But also recognizing that this comes from a sense of shame. How do we show people the error of their ways without them being so ready to hold onto their guns?

I think people have unrealistic expectations of themselves & others, I know I do.

Just as we cannot expect perfection from ourselves, we cannot expect it from others; we are bound to be messy incomplete humans at one time or another. And I think that’s more of our true nature than any of our shiny grand moments.

I wish more would realize that it’s okay and human to make mistakes, and to accept fault. When people are so blinded by their ego that they offer justifications rather than accountability, it gets us nowhere :/ Sometimes it’s better to just throw your hands up and admit defeat than to try to argue your way out of any hole.

This Mormon girl I follow from school—the one who I recall returning an adopted cat to the shelter after it started inducing allergy symptoms in one of her parents (poor thing); and who squared off with my sixth grade science teacher about the validity of global warming science like she was a baby Republican lobbyist—recently posted about how offended she was to read about the term white savior complex, after an extensive series of mission trips [the irony]. Which like, I get. Maybe you really believe what you’re selling but also, digging your heels in and defending and not using this criticism as a point of self-reflection just seems hypocritical? I don’t know if this was out of a lack of self-awareness that she doubled down? IDK.

I wish people would acknowledge that sometimes we are all baby brain with two brain cells left, and I think that’s beautiful ❤

To always be right is dishonest and exhausting.

Do I believe she has good intentions? I think so. But does our intent always determine the weight of actions? I don’t think so either.

[i’m sitting on my break and being anti social as I write this :p]

today is cold and it feels like it is going to rain.

my stomach was in knots today, and i woke up feeling kinda nauseous.

my somatic way of healing is to blast my music incredibly loud and belting along εїз

my friend sophie turned me on to a p good girl boss movie the other day, called „softness of bodies” which very much called my ass out for being a writer gyal who wants to move to berlin and is very distant ✨cool girl😗

NOTHING ELSE TO REPORT!

{except that i both wish it would rain & i’m going to the pool this merry labor day weekend}

ciao a more ·͜·♡

ł₥₱Ø₴₮ɆⱤ, ₩ⱧØ ₥Ɇ?

am i real, are you real?

The more that this blog progresses, the more that I have the urge to quit it. ‘What is the use of weekly updates’, I think, when nothing in my life really changes. Is what I write even interesting, entertaining? Feel like I’m writing into the void.

Nothing feels certain. I try to stay aloof to avoid being tied to one thing or another. Is it lack of creativity, fear of commitment. I don’t know how people can make goals and commit to them when everything feels so vague and wishy-washy. Is the world uncertain and foreboding or do I just see myself that way?

I don’t think I am a writer. But then I’ve also written, that I’ve been paid to to write, and was previously employed as a writer, and then yet still I am back to square one.

I haven’t felt a fiery passion to write in some time. But also I don’t know if I ever did. All’s I know is that it was the thing I relished in most in school, and that I enjoyed most doing. In the fourth grade we had a journalist come speak to our class, and I remember thinking “I want to do what she does.” I got praise from my teachers for my writing, and maybe it was validation which I craved and so I kept doing it?

I think I’m going to strive for mediocrity. We give so much credit to big and bold ideas, to fame and fortune, when really most of us exist only to be forgotten except by our closest friends and loved ones.

The pillars of fame and success are also skewed; and even people who reach these heights can find themselves unhappy, still. We are told that if we play the game right, that we too can rise to the ranks of the rich and famous, when really the game is rigged and the prize is up to interpretation. Career, marriage, kids, divorce, second career, second divorce, kids grow up, death 😵

Did anybody else feel dread while playing the board game, Life?

How do we make meaning, how do I make meaning in myself. What is my purpose? Do I have to have a purpose? I think I am allowed to just vibe and exist 😎

My little daily tasks and goals (do I have any??) can and must serve a purpose, I think. Going to keep pushing the rock up that hill, i guess!!!

Song of the week:

Peace x 🧚🏼‍♀️

how Do I gain brain cells

i recommend her!!

Someone said to me this week that they think they’ve gotten dumber since college since they don’t read anymore, and tbh i kinda concur. Guess I need to get off the phone and take a break from love island every once in a while? hmmmmm

As i have love island quite literally playing in the background as I write this, i have to wonder: which is a more dangerous moral standing to emerge from (which are the only two positions you’re allowed to take in love island)—- 1. strict heteronormative gender roles 2. devout capitalism.

Same goals, same life, same grind this week. My sleep schedule still has not adjusted to✨service✨ hours. Need to recognize at some point that going to *sleep* as soon as also go home rather than twiddling my thumbs pointlessly for a few hours.

The struggle is still ON in searching for in-host country affiliates in Germany. Apparently academics are on holiday PSHH.

What else, what else. I’ve yet to make moves with my clandestine object of affection as I am painfully uncomfy. But if there’s one thing i’ve learned from my Love Island lessons is that:

IT’s STILL EARLY DAYS, TIME TO CRAIC ON.

Last week I went to heaven ® with a friend and it was very cute, very much in the space of adults which felt ~hot~

I also went to the Ivan gallery in Culver City which had many colorful views🌈 Need to go out and view art, be the main character, live life for MOI. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough in my life, that I’m stagnating. But have to remember that change happens, whether we are prepared or not. If you stand still in a river, new waters are bound to wash over you ↺ °•*⁀➷=͟͟͞♡

boop boopity BOOP

Well anyway, ta-ta 4 now. Until next time!!?

P.S. I made a playlist hehe

Аgннннн (тнё $cяёаѫ)

I literally just told [lied to] my therapist today that taking into account the feelings of anxiety that emerge when I’m running late is indeed an effective tool to hold myself accountable to be more on time. And yet I literally just ran to my shift today eek.

Had a cute weekend with my friend and some of her girlfriends over in Topanga to celebrate in honor of her birthday, and soon-to-be-going away party. Some antics ensued, and we made friends with a tarantula visitor.

I received some ‘interesting news’ from my birthgiver. Which I’m *definitely* not resentful or upset about. It’s not like we haven’t been no contact for three consecutive months or anything like that.

Stomach has been doing some fun tricks today. Is it gastritis? Food poisoning? A virus??? Who knows!!! I will spare the gnarly details, but not fun.

Eating has been so weird lately. I feel like I don’t know how to listen to her cues (her being my stomach.) I am sure there is a link to sleep, caffeine, meal times, but i still cannot out my finger on it 😵

There may have been a dicey parking situation right as I was parking on Mateo today! (right which may or may not have involved a few ding dings to the car directly in front and behind me.) But luckily there were no witnesses. So who’s to say!

I need to get right with my Fulbright people, it seems that I may in fact be emailing some peeps at 1am this evening, which is 10am in Berlin, according to my very scientific Apple “World Clock” research.

~Feeling a little nutso right now! Hopefully this will settle~

𝒻𝓎𝒾 𝒾’𝓂 𝒶𝓃𝑜𝒾𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓀

B.R.E.A.T.H.E. I.N. – B.R.E.A.T.H.E. O.U.T.

I ᑕᗩᑎ’丅 ᗪᗴᗩᒪ

Another anecdote which I’d like to share with the class is that that that Bunny Is A Rider has been stuck in my head consistently for the past few days. And so naturally I had to listen to it today…

later that night…

i sat m*rc m*r*n at my restaurant tonight, and apparently it’s a noob mistake to say “OH I LIKE UR SHOW.” i simply was impulsive and could not help myself.

I also have a work crush 💕 which i most definitely will be keeping on the down low to me, myself, & i. i am manifesting and wishing that we will all soon have crushes.

this week is brief, not much else to say, but i wish you all a Merry week.

Tschüssy :-*

i’m WRiting This From the bath <3

contrary to Twitter trends, I do actually bathe/clean daily 🙂

Sorry sorry for a day-late delay in posting. I was preoccupied with dawdling and doing nothing in which I intended to go to the gym, yet upon realizing that I was rejected from the Dolls Kill position which I applied for, fervently went into job seeking mode. In the meantime I am hosting at a restaurant in Arts District called *****, which I may or may not have a tendency to mispronounce. It’s actually not all that difficult of a job, but I’m lazy and have a tendency to meander rather than RUSH RUSH RUSH. I think if I do manage to land a more office-y or writing oriented job, it will be nice to have the option to pick up shifts as needed.

It definitely has legit restaurant Anthony Bourdain, ‘yes chef’ vibes. Like actually the restaurant staff eats a meal together before the shift ~begins~. It unfortunately was lamb something, so I could not partake but the thought is nice I guess??

This past Sunday I was really digging into those negative core self beliefs vibes and feeling unlive-idal. Feeling like I am without purpose and nothing to look forward to other than just existing. I feel like I’ve been in exist-mode for so long. I work to make money to keep myself housed and the lights on, but I don’t really enjoy it. Like from day-to-day, I feel like I am just surviving. Like my emotional/social needs feel very starved. And I feel like I can’t connect or give to others because I can’t have a cohesive relationship with myself. Like paranoia and fears of abandonment, hypervigilant mode. And then feelings of inferiority/inadequacy whenever I am no longer protected in my own bubble of solitude?? In some ways I think I do okay in solitude, even if it sometimes turns to inward anxiety, than when I am around others/being perceived.

Then there’s like an overcoming sense of hopelessness & helplesness re: this will never get better and I can’t do anything about it. But then relating these back to negative core beliefs, I recognize that as uniquely flawed as I think my psychology to be, actually this is just basic schema therapy.

We come from a world that is so rife with projection just like our *emotionally immature caregivers*. Also everyone’s experience of us is not even the true us, it’s just one of our parts. And that even our perceptions of ourselves are based in internal projections. Shifting into the mode of realizing that negative self talk is an emotional form of self harm, and not a valid depiction of who I am. Imagining talking to a child, or better yet child version of myself and it feels borderline abusive. It’s so hard to escape these lines of thinking when like a boomerang they keep coming back, but i guess we just must persist

///

What else… went to a couple raves this weekend. And again! Felt inadequate seeing people who I perceived as being much more/attractive interesting. Life isn’t a comparison game, need to swallow that this notion that we are all in competition with each other which isn’t healthy ND actually rooted in toxic systems meant to divide us. But the boom boom music was good, saw some cool rooftop views, asked folks their astrology sign, etc. Hope to do more things other than laundry on a Saturday night going forward.

(Just need to escape this noggin, which I wish I could empty and place on a shelf from time to time.)

A good week to all, and to all a good week. Must get cleaned up so I can get this hostess bread.🍞🥯🥐🥖

Au revoir!

x

ps. the song of the week ‎ ◡̎ =͟͟͞͞♡ ᯤ ʬʬʬ

Give me Whatever People in the 1930’s Were On!!

just ready to bust out into dance at a moment’s notice to some scratchy record :O

Aside from my mid-morning run (sweaty!) & zoom with one of my Fulbright recommenders, I’ve spent the majority of today ‘researching’ Weimar Period Germany by watching Babylon Berlin on Netflix for ‘research’. Aside from this scene, the colors are definitely cool-toned unsettling, making everyone’s skin look look very dull and uneven; guess facial yoga &/or 10-step skincare routines did not yet exist. You probably had like three things, soap, rouge, kohl and some WATER.

The zoom meeting with my mentor/superstar-idol was reassuring but also a reminder that I am the biggest thing standing in the way of my progress!! He was very adamant that my proposal seems feasible and that with some minor tweaking I would be able to ‘sell’ my proposal. But I feel like I almost don’t know what I don’t know?? So trying to explain my ambitions in a project that I’m not quite sure yet where it’ll take me is difficult. I guess I’m supposed to have a hypothesis for my research and that the grant period would be like quote-unquote fieldwork to support that. Reframing that helps butAHHHH I hate writing actually. Trying to be appeasing to committees and people who will read it by being as broad and unassuming as possible, but by trying this approach, I only end up creating work which is generic and could have been written by anyone. How to infuse my own voice and life story into the work. Am I even a real writer? Am I even a real socialist? Am I even a real??

Have been debating whether I want to focus this work around aesthetic representations of feminine, or stick to working/engaging with writers/artists that interest me.

A kinda ‘wow’ moment that hit me out of left field during this meeting was when my mentor explained that trauma is actually not the event, but the dreams and nightmares associated with the event. In all of my years of being a novice Internet psych student, I don’t think I ever realized the distinction. That rather than events themselves, it’s the aftermath of these events which are defining.

❤ I Made Deviled Eggs today.

don’t ask me y i went hog wild with the Mediterranean feta :p

Had some pretty grody anxiety last night which woke me up randomly. It’s all of my suppressed fears culminated. That I’m wasting my life, that I’m not doing enough to make the most of my potential. THat I’m not creating the life for myself that I set out to. I have to keep Little Violet in mind with all of my decision-making. Would this suit the version of myself who was not yet aware that limits existed? I guess that is the high that I am chasing.

But also trying to be mindful that as humans we have limits to our creativity. Sometimes there is not enough time or resources or energy to create what we desire. And maybe those limits are temporary and will eventually be resolved through progress, but we still have to overcome these obstacles the best we can. ~

Had a bit of a dip into self-loathing yesterday, but then we said time out!! Progress is not always meant to be strictly linear, as long as the overall trend is still on the up and up.

I have a job interview on Wednesday which I’m p excited for. It would still be in my wHeeLhOusE of skills, plus I think they may match compensation at my last job. The real kicker is that I wouldn’t even have to be in-office for the whole week, as they’re doing a hybrid WFH deal. Which would actually b gr8 for my mental health. Having my laptop at the beach or while I sip sip some espresso at Stories bc it’s so close and it’s the perfect balance of work cafe and perceiving/not being perceived. Nd I live for the barista’s hatwear.

GOt some really sick art from a couple estate sales that I had to LITERALLY fight a woman over. My apartment feels a lil’ less stark now. I think now that I’ve gotten rid of the bulk af vanity that was just sitting and collecting dust, it actually feels like my apartment has a vibe?? Also v proud of my budget hunting this weekend at the flea market, i.e. going at the end when they’re just giving away piles of clothes for cheap bc they don’t wanna have to haul it back. The early peeps pay more for the juicier pieces, so I think that evens out.

Nothing else 2 really say other than I actually forgot how scrumptious mint chocolate Milanos are, and you should go out and buy them. I was watching this Aussie youtuber go to an American snack shop and it was giving me a fomo feeling until I realized I could just go out and buy Milano?? Her videos are so calming and aesthetically pleasing.

Here’s to a good week!! xoxoxo

another day, another $$$

back on the job app grind 🤣

So it seems as though the three-month contract is over fr fr. Been actively searching for supplemental income (i.e. instacart shopping.) The nosey in me loves to know what the average person consumes. What are the supplies that nourish, that comfort. Are people lactose intolerant? Where is the alcohol?? How the mind wanders 🤔

Not that my dietary opinion bears any weight, but I always mentally congratulate people who fit in all of their food groups. Like you’re buying POUNDS of various produce items? I bow down to you.

the race against the clock

I’m staying with my Valley family at the moment while my building rids itself of “many pests” and am extremely grateful for them ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ They make sure I eat and let me use their washer/dryer and don’t even charge me quarters??? Also a calm quiet street???

I also stumbled across a blog (@megsuperstarpricess’ “Le Hipster Portal”) which very much evokes the kind of aloof tumblr party fashion girl that I wanted to be circa 2012. Even the language she uses is straight from this very niche time. This blast of the past ft. “swag”, “amaze balls”, & the gratuitous use of the french article ‘le’. Is like a time capsule of eight grade Facebook.

The fourteen year old in me is feeling life envy at having never achieved my hidden agenda of being a grimy NY hipster. But maybe I haven’t really changed at all :/ the evidence is in the duolingo French lessons on my and baby blue Royal Mercury typewriter bday gift (ty Larry.)

But also i really appreciate her take on tiny accessories. It needed to be said, and it definitely hurt to hear, but like ripping off a bandaid, it needed to be done 🙄 Also yes yes on the dirty hair, my oily locks feel validated.

ugh her mind

I think one of the main ways to stay ahead of the trends is to have a personal style so out of left field that it never changes or to always be dressing in things that are old but not yet old enough to be considered classic or vintage. Like if the layperson were to see you wearing it and think you look dated and awkward, I feel like you’re doing it right. Because once the ugly thing is taken back by larger society it no longer has that edge (re: dad shoes.) And so rather than the typical 20 year throwback inspo, go for a 10 year throwback inspo.

(Not to take credit for the now banned tiny glasses trend, but I was wearing my mom’s early 2000s Ralph Lauren tiny glasses like 5 years ago & was mocked. Lost to a random Hermosa Beach brunch joint where I left them after going to the bathroom r.i.p.)

So next time someone says your style is dated, gently remind them that you are actually right on time 🤲

Had a lot of great finds from this week’s spotify discover weekly that I’d like to share:

very bubblegummy + dance-y
for dancing and feeling beautiful/ethereal
4 feeling like a HEAVY robot
everyone loves a robyn dance montage, i also think channel tres has THE sexiest voice

I hope this may encourage you to have as good of dance break as I had blasting these while Fast n Furious weaving through traffic on Sherman Way. Yes I am one of those obnoxious drivers (also last week I turned left on a stale yellow and was rightfully called an idiota so uh yeah.)

HOPE UR SUMMER IS BANGING AND PLEASE WEAR SPF. U DONT WANT WRINKLES AND/OR CANCER.

xoxo,

V

So we’Re Doing This again?

“A Woman Under the Influence” hmmm connection?

Very much dragged my feet yesterday (a.k.a. skirted the responsibility of my weekly blog because I said to myself what’s the point.) The three month probationary period of my contract is coming to a close, and I hope they keep me on 😦 If not I guess it’s back to the fervent job search.

It feels like I’m not motivated to do the things that will very well improve my life. It’s like I know I have the tools to live the life I want to, but I cannot implement them. I don’t know if it’s fear or burnout but I h8 it. I think this is something that almost everyone deals/copes with when it comes to reaching their goals. We strive towards our vision of ego ideal and when we hit adversity/obstacles and we realize how steep it is to seek out this ideal, we resign ourselves.

Which is really human, and I think a way of feeling safe and minimizing harm. There’s shame and guilt in failing and so we would rather coast by because having ambition means that there is the potential to re-trigger negative self beliefs that can send us into a tailspin:

I’m worthless.

I never do anything right.

I’m not meant to have good thing and experiences in life.

I am on some level inferior.

Which obviously this is just faulty programming from early childhood messaging or from societal messaging that loves to compartmentalize and limit people 🥺 It’s hard because this messaging becomes so ingrained that it seems like it’s a part of us because it’s coming from our own inner voice. But having to remember that these aren’t your beliefs, they were just implanted by other people who wanted to see you fail because it confirms their world view (even family.)

Challenging these voices is important but also so is creating new messaging. And I guess the only way to do that is creating evidence for yourself that you are not as bad as you think you are??? There’s also method of doing affirmations that I’ve heard where you say “it’s quite possible that X” rather jumping straight into the phony hyper-positive deep end of saying “wow i’m amazing, no flaws here.”

I very much don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing one week from now, but also I have to trust that I will be okay or I will go crazy crazy

₍₍ (ง ˘ω˘ )ว ⁾⁾